Kipple

fuck i am depressed

2008-07-04T15:46:51Z

that is all

ps. no worries, i'm not going to do anything stupid

Is it bad that I would accept a slightly lower quality space if it were my own?

2008-06-19T20:23:56Z

I've seen a lot of debates about transsexual women using women's spaces and facilities. In the majority of them, I see about three typical arguments brought up: the men as predators argument, the transsexual women are not real women argument, and the transsexual women and to be accepted and treated like regular women argument. It is only rarely that I actually see something that resembles how I feel about the whole thing: I use women's facilities because I feel slightly more comfortable and am less likely to experience physical violence, but if I had my druthers I would rather have a space all my own, even if it were slightly inferior.

And I feel like a slightly bad person for feeling like that. Like I'd be more than happy to sit at the back of the bus, simply because I would not have to walk, and that way I would have to worry about people staring at me.

I love to go swimming. I'd one of my favorite ways to exercise, and I would likely swim every day if the timing for classes and work could work out. I don't like the shower and changing part. I use the women's locker room to change and shower because there are no private facilities for that on campus. I get pretty edgy when I walk in, and it's even worse when there are other people there and conversations are going on. Though there has never been an issue, but that does not mitigate the fear that some day there will be. I worry being scrutinized and spotted out. I try to make my self as small and unobtrusive as possible, always keeping my self caved in and looking down. I can't take off my bathing suit when I rinse off, which means I can't really dry myself very well, since there is not very much room in the toilet stalls where I change.

I will likely give up swimming or even using the athletic center completely during the fall and winter, simply because I can imagine how much more crowded it will be. Last fall, when I was taking Yoga, I would dress in why to minimize the amount of changing I had to do. By the end of the semester I would just wear my work out stuff under a skirt and t-shirt so I didn't even need to use a rest room to change.

So I am paying, with my tuition, for a facility that I don't even feel is a safe space for me.

I could care less about winning some right to use a space I would still be uncomfortable in. I simply want a space where I don't have to worry about being observed or have my right to use it ever potentially questioned. Maybe that makes me a bad transsexual in the politics side of things, I don't know.

And yes, I have gotten a lot of positive, and supportive comments from cissexual women about how most of the time the other women don't care or don't pay attention. I do appreciate that support and all. But it still does not mitigate that sense of anxiety I feel every time I am walk into the locker room, which I know can't be all that healthy for me.

Back home from the Gather

2008-06-12T16:31:28Z

I had a wonderful time this year. Had some very keep things for my self confirmed, and was witness to some very... interesting things. It was also a very good journey for io_spellweaver, and I am glad she came with this year.

On our trip back we some how managed to avoid or stay just ahead of the mass of flooding and tornadoes that hit Iowa and Nebraska that seem to follow in our wake. I suspect that a lot of behind the scenes timing elements came together for, especially since if the universe had wanted, it could have very easily have hit us with all of it.

Thank all for making it a wonderful event. It was good to reconnect with so many people I have missed.

I hope to write more, but I've got some catching up on things to do.

Mercury and Neptune Retrograde?

2008-06-03T22:39:45Z

Once again, for my trip out to Ohio, Mercury is retrograde, as it was last year I believe.
This time in Mercury is retrograde in Gemini.

I seem to have a knack at finding out about these about a week after it starts...

To sum up, for this Mercury Retrograde:
There is strong temptation to leap to something new and untried. Details can be overwhelming. A fluid state of mind can lead to indecision. Breakdowns in communication and related equipment are more likely to occur. Judgments are unclear. Avoid taking offense at slights. Preconceived opinions may damage business dealings. Check the fine print. Writers and sales people my encounter blocks. Beware of repetitive stress injuries (carpal tunnel). All areas of communication may experience difficulties, and challenges with travel are not uncommon.

Some of these effects may have been observed up to three weeks in advance by some.

Neptune also went retrograde on the same day as Mercury:
Neptune retrograde actually makes our perceptions more acute. For psychically sensitive people it can sometimes be a little overwhelming. Neptune can also open us up to our more transcendent, spiritual sides of ourselves. It is a time to reassess our live visions to ensure they have not become too confining or self-deceptive, and to listen to one's intuition.

And Jupter is also in retrograde:
Jupiter retrograde is also a time of spiritual growth. It is also a time where we must get by our own recourses. It can be a time of decreased income or large, unexpected expenses. It is a time to look objectively.

Mercury Retrograde
At 15:49 UT (Universal Time), on Monday, May 26th, 2008, Mercury the cosmic trickster turns retrograde in Gemini, the sign of the Twins, sending communications, travel, appointments, mail and the www into a general snarlup! This awkward period begins a few days before the actual turning point (as Mercury slows) and lasts for three weeks or so, until June 19, when the Winged Messenger reaches his direct station. At this time he halts and begins his return to direct motion through the zodiac.

Everything finally straightens out on July 4, as he passes the point where he first turned retrograde. Mercury turns retrograde three times a year, as a rule, but the effects of each period differ, according to the sign in which it happens (see box for Retrograde Periods in 2008).

A planet is described as retrograde when it appears to be moving backwards through the zodiac. According to modern science, this traditional concept arises in the illusory planetary motion created by the orbital rotation of the earth with relation to other planets in our solar system. Planets are never actually retrograde or stationary, they just seem that way due to this cosmic shadow-play.

Retrograde periods, although often problematic for us earthlings, are not particularly uncommon. Each planet retrogrades, except the Sun and Moon. Although a powerful astrological influence, Mercury is quite a small planet that travels at a relatively fast speed through the zodiac. Despite being the closest planet in our solar system to the Sun, it is not always in the same sign as the Sun (for example, although this time Mercury turns retrograde in Gemini, the same sign as the Sun, last year Mercury turned in Scorpio while the Sun was in Libra, but headed back into Libra just as the Sun strode into Scorpio).

Fated Events

As a rule, retrograde planets presage a period of seemingly inevitable or fated events that relate to their sphere of influence. They present us with a series of events over which we seem to have little or no control, relating especially to the sign in which the retrogradation occurs. For example, Mercury retrograde in Scorpio (intensity; sexuality) presents quite different sets of circumstances from those generated when it retrogrades into Libra (relationships; harmony; æsthetics).

A retrograde period is best seen as a cycle, beginning when the planet begins to slow to a halt before travelling backwards through the zodiac and ending when the planet returns to the point where it first paused. However, during the cycle, the planet's energy is most powerful (and more likely to generate critical events of universal importance) when the planet makes a station: appearing motionless in the sky.

These stationary periods occur near the beginning of the cycle (when the planet first halts as it prepares to move backwards) and midway through the cycle when the retrograde planet slows to a stop before moving forward again. The "direct station" (when the planet halts before moving forward again) is the most powerful and can be used for maximum benefit.

Some astrologers consider that the "Mercury Shadow" begins some three weeks before the actual retro station (when Mercury passes the point of direct station for the first time). This has some justification, but I am more inclined to think that the really noticeable peculiarities begin when Mercury slows significantly, a few days before the retro station. This period of "Mercury Shadow" extends to the Return date, some three weeks after the direct station. Bear this in mind, because experience shows that the effects of the retro period are still marked during the "shadow" phase. Some of the most characteristic annoyances often occur just after Mercury makes the direct station, while he is crawling forward before picking up speed.

What does Mercury affect?

In general, Mercury rules thinking and perception, processing and disseminating information and all means of communication, commerce, education and transportation. By extension, Mercury rules people who work in these areas, especially people who work with their minds or their wits: writers and orators, commentators and critics, gossips and spin doctors, teachers, travellers, tricksters and thieves.

Mercury retrograde gives rise to personal misunderstandings; flawed, disrupted, or delayed communications, negotiations and trade; glitches and breakdowns with phones, computers, cars, buses, and trains. And all of these problems usually arise because some crucial piece of information, or component, has gone astray or awry.

It is therefore not wise to make important decisions while Mercury is retrograde, since it is very likely that these decisions will be clouded by misinformation, poor communication and careless thinking. Mercury is all about mental clarity and the power of the mind, so when Mercury is retrograde these intellectual characteristics tend to be less acute than usual, as the critical faculties are dimmed. Make sure you pay attention to the small print!

The Key Issue

The key issue here is one of focus. Mercury's retro phase tends to bring unforeseen changes and blockages, but the aggravation and frustration that many of us experience during these periods is often due to our own inability to roll with the punches. Is this due to our ego-fixation? Mercury sets out to restructure our thinking processes and for many of us this is painful and frustrating. Moreover, these experiences reveal flaws in our internal organisation as well as our external planning, which can make us feel foolish and inadequate.

Mercury retrograde, like any cosmic aspect, affects people differently, depending on where it hits their personal charts. Some people actually prosper under a retro Mercury, especially if Mercury is retrograde but otherwise well-aspected in their birth charts. It is also a time when matters begun under a previous retro period will come to fruition, or completion as the case may be. Firm decisions that have been previously made when Mercury is travelling normally through the zodiac may be implemented or finalised while Mercury is retrograde without too much worry, for experience shows that this can be done without undue problems arising.

Mercury Retrograde in Gemini

When Mercury is retrograde, everyone's thinking is more introspective and we tend to think about issues and concerns which relate to the sign involved. With Mercury retrograde in his own sign Gemini, people with this sign prominent in their charts will be especially prone to such introspection. Gemini is a Mutable Sign, so the other Mutable Signs, Pisces, Virgo and Sagittarius will also receive a touch of the lash!

Neptune also turns retrograde on this day, so coming weeks will present a tricky time – even though matters will probably work out well in the end. Bear in mid that, although luck could well be on your side, there are no guarantees that you will make proper use of the information, ideas, or activities you experience. Reality will probably not manage to intrude, as inspiration and instincts rule the day and there is little choice but to reconsider our personal views and opinions about life. We receive, however, an opportunity to gain insight into our own ego. Your imagination and intuition can prove useful, by putting you in the right place at the right time, but be sure to note all appointments in your diary and refer to it often. Seredipity may help out, perhaps by enabling you to meet someone at a bus stop when you should have been somewhere else, but the wise do not rely on it...

Mercury retro in Gemini tempts us to leap into something new and untried, or to escape to some other place. Although Gemini is the sign of the mind and of communication, the retro period can see us swamped in a mass of detail, especially if matters that should have been completed in the past return to haunt us. An unduly fluid state of mind can lead to indecision and confusion, mainly through a breakdown in communication, or related equipment such as phones, computers, fax machines and the like. Judgements are unclear and fickle, and it's hard to know good value when you see it. Frustration arises in connection with information and ideas that come your way. Resist the temptation to take offence at criticism, especially if it wasn't meant to be taken personally.

Preconceived opinions can damage business transactions and consultations of all kinds, especially with salespeople, lawyers and advisors. Be very sure to check the fine print and do not sign important contracts unless you are absolutely clear on what they entail. In particular, matters connected with literature, media, sales, draftsmanship, linguistics and music are inclined to be blocked in some way. Writers and salespeople can experience significant blocks to their energies. It's a good time to chill out. This position can indicate proneness to repetitive stress injury to the hands and arms, carpal tunnel syndrome, etc. and we would all would benefit from regular massage.

All areas of communication are affected, especially in matters related to the neighbourhood, siblings, local travel, early education, sibling relationships and communications equipment in general. This period brings travel snafus and missed appointments of all kinds. Documents can go astray. Be sure to carry a diary and refer to it often.

Neptune Retrograde
May 26 through November 2 2008

Similar to the natal retrograde Neptune, the transiting retrograde causes sensitivity and receptivity to be much more acute. Due to this heightened receptivity, we are allowed to see far more than is possible when Neptune is direct. This is possibly a result of augmented intuitive or inner vision that bestows a different and more insightful perspective on matters.

Delusional hits: JULY 31-AUGUST 1 and OCTOBER 11-12 (Venus). During the first week November 2009, Neptune, having turned Direct, squares Mars in Scorpio… something fizzles out that was commenced while Neptune was Retrograde.

Neptune rules denial! When Neptune turns retrograde, our feelings are more astute at picking up and perceiving the illusive. It is easier to ascertain information about issues that have eluded us while Neptune was direct. Delphine Jay feels that it is essential that we do something about the problems that we pick up on while Neptune is retrograde because they can worsen when Neptune goes direct. I personally have noticed that, if you do not work on an internal level while Neptune is retrograde, you will be plagued by feelings of disillusion and vague dissatisfaction.

As one's perceptions become more acute, it is important to listen more, listen to the "inner voice," so that you can see more of what is going on around you. It is essential that you talk about what you are feeling, sensing or absorbing because Neptune retrograde can produce a type of psychic overload for very sensitive people. Heightened sensitivity can be both an asset and a liability. It is important that you avoid drugs, chemicals and stimulants while Neptune is retrograde. Protect yourself by refraining from associating with addictive personalities, psychic attractions, and overwhelming people who drain your energies. Wearing black tourmaline can funnel off negative energy and psychic attack. If you feel a little paranoid during the retrograde period, it may be that you are picking up too much from your external environment. As an asset, this period is excellent for using and cultivating your psychic perceptions. I am not aware of the augmentation during the retrograde period but I am aware that my abilities seem to diminish when Neptune turns direct.

Jupiter Retrograde
May 9 through September 8 2008

When Jupiter turns retrograde, the action of Jupiter is reversed so that the emphasis is upon inner awareness and inner growth. It is an excellent time to get in touch with personal integrity. Jupiter rules role playing in order evoke a positive external reaction. When transiting Jupiter is afflicting natal planets, you will find yourself dealing with phoniness in both yourself and others. When Jupiter is retrograde, you should evaluate how you are not being honest with yourself because you are playing a role that is disloyal to your true self. When opportunities arise while Jupiter is retrograde, they are the result of seeds planted in the past from people met or connections made in the past.

Jupiter retrograde is more spiritual and philosophical so it is a time to explore philosophies, possibly something simpler from a time in your past. According to Delphine Jay, this period may produce an event that reminds you of a time when you had a better perspective on life. She furthermore feels that it is an excellent time to complete Jupitarian projects such as going back to school to complete your education, taking a long distance trip that you have postponed, and making a connection with a long lost friendship. It is a good time to take spiritual or philosophical courses with the objective of gaining a better perspective on life.

Because of the spiritual approach to this Jupiter transit, it is not a time to initiate material activities. A business which starts while Jupiter is retrograde will find that much of the business is connected with altruistic and charitable concerns and good causes. Too much help is given for which the company will not receive payment. Obviously, it is excellent for initiating a humanitarian or fund-raising project.

In my chart interpretation, I use the key phrase for the House-position of Jupiter retrograde that it is an area wherein you are able to restore to life things or relationships that are considered dead or dying. Jupiter natally retrograde in the 2nd and 4th House is good for restoring objects or property for resale. It is good for restoring troubled relationships ruled by the various houses. Therefore, it can be assumed that, when Jupiter is transiting retrograde, it is a good time to restore any project or relationship that is failing. I consider Jupiter to be the relating principle in a chart – how we reach out and connect with others and what we relate to most easily. During the retrograde cycle, make the effort to revive that which is failing as ruled by the House-position of the transiting retrograde. Make the effort to go back and make the connection.

Avoid over-reacting or making promises: JULY 3-4 (Venus); SEPTEMBER 7-8 (Station square Mars, very difficult)

Just when I think there is hope for mainstream society...

2008-05-30T23:33:14Z

So reading through the comments under the Christian Siriano they are pretty much what I expected. People clueless about why this issue is important at all and not getting why some people are offended.

I made one comment, but it's pretty much a drop in the sea. I want to make more comments and fight it out, but who the heck am I trying to kid? Actually trying to hold conversations about social impact and responsibility on comment board for a ""People" article? When I'm a lone voice in a cacophony who don't want to hear or think about it?

It's not even the question of why is this important. It's a pretty unifying mindset of "I think he's cute and funny, I don't find it offensive, we all say things like this, other people should just deal, and he's got every right to say what he wants."

There is concern over backlash. Like how far does an oppressed group push an issue before the privilege group starts turning on them and the advancements they've made. Not that I feel like I could single-handedly shift public opinion of transgender people. Just that It's possible that the comments I make could shift a couple of people's thoughts a little more negatively which could influence views and interactions further down the line.

And I am a little concerned over the potential for internet harassment and stalking, since names and email addresses are required to comment. Sure I could use a fake name and email address, but that somehow doesn't feel like being true to me.

*sigh* But I have thoughts and feelings about all this. And I do want to express them. So I guess I'll simply write them here. At the very least maybe I can get some evaluation of what I would have written.

"like everyone posting here hasn't made a derogatory comment now and then. Get over it."
Whither some one has or not does not mitigate the fact that such comments should not be allowed to prosper within the greater market of ideas.

Christian, by being a person of celebrity, even a minor one, gets face time simply by being. This face time goes on to shape society and social views. His voice has greater impact on these shaping factors then some one who is not a media darling. Currently Christian, and his comments, and his supporters have been given more air time then those who do find what he's said offensive.

"He has the right to say whatever he feels like."
Sure, and people who do find the comments offensive have every right to state so as well. If Christian has some sort of "right" to say such ignorant phrases, others have a right to call him out for it. The one thing people do not have a right to do it to shut others up.

"I think is comments are fine. I don’t see what the big deal is."
That's fine. You can take your privileged rear out of the conversation then. Some people *do* find the comments offensive.

"Even my tranny gf think the comments were funny."
That's great for her. And some people of color find the uses of certain derogatory words and phrases funny as well, but not all of them do. We still respect the opinions of those who do find the phrases offensive.

"I know Christian personally and I can tell you that he would never disrespect anyone on purpose. He is a very sweet, caring and funny guy."
I'm sure he is. He's just a very socially conscious and aware person, is he?

Whether he likes it or not, he's representative of a subculture to the larger society as a whole.

"I love how people think they deserve an apology."
No, not really. I'm much rather he just stop making such ignorant comments. Short of that, stop tying to back peddle from being bigoted and just admit to it.

"By the way, I’m female, have money & a home, and heterosexual—–and NOT offended"
But cha not transsexual, are you? Just because those comments might not be offensive to a white, suburban, middle class heterosexual lady doesn't mean they are not offensive to some one else.
Need a clue-by-four much?

Oppressive Phrases Mad Libs

2008-05-30T22:38:26Z

So after reading an article about how Christian Siriano didn't mean to offend trans people with his comments, I noticed how he seems to use the same patronizing phrases that get bantered about by so many when they want to back peddle from some sort of -phobic/-ist comment or action they've performed without actually taking responsibility for they said, but with just different words.

So I decided to come up with...
Oppressive Phrases Mad Libs

"I didn't mean to offend [minority group] with [phrase describing an action in the past tense]"

"Some of my best friends are [minority group]"

"I completely support the [positive adjective or modifying phrase] of [minority group] and their [phase describing a minority group stereotype]"

"You're a credit to [minority group]"

"You're not like the other [minority group]"

"Oh, I didn't find [phrase describing past event] offensive. Why are [minority group] so [verb or phrase describing displeasure] by it?"

I know there has to be more, anyone care to share any ideas?

restless

2008-05-29T22:23:24Z

Next week I'll be traveling out to Ohio. I'll get to see some people I've not seen for nearly a year, and that I've missed a lot.
So I'm of course very restless right now, wishing things to hurry up so I can at least be out on the road already.
*sigh*

Uggg, I hate PayPal

2008-05-27T16:12:26Z

So I am wanting to make a payment on my PayPal CC. I can't do it online, because PayPal have never linked my the replacement card I received with my account to my existing PayPal account, and I've been trying to get this issue resolved for almost a year now. So I called in to make a phone payment, and PayPal want's to charge my $15 just to make a phone payment.

I was given some other online site to access my account, but it wants some 4 digit number they gave me to activate the card. This was almost a year ago!

*sigh* I would call them and tell them to cancel the account and send it to collections so I'm not racking up any more fees and interest, but I sort of need this card as buffer for my upcoming trip.

I hate PayPal and everything associated with them.

National Conference on LGBT Equality: Creating Change Planning Committee Meetings.

2008-05-09T16:50:54Z

From the creating change web site (http://www.creatingchange.org/)
"The National Conference on LGBT Equality: Creating Change is the premier national grassroots organizing and skills building LGBT conference. Each year the conference is held in a different region of the United States and attracts 2,500+ participants from within and outside of the LGBT community. The conference is well known for providing a unique environment where activists and leaders come together from diverse places and backgrounds to create a community that is both strengthening and inspiring to the participants."

From January 28 thru February 1, Denver will be hosting the 2009 Creating Change conference. If you are interesting in being part of the host (planning) committee for this conference, meetings will be held on the third Thursday of each month, locations will rotate to various places/spaces in MetroDenver.
Next meeting: Thursday May 15 7:00 PM at Gill Community Room.
2215 Market Street, Denver, CO

For more information contact Ed Garton, Director of GLBT Student Services at Auraria, at egarton2@mscd.edu or 303-556-6333.

A rant about the discounting of trans-peoples' childhood experiences...

2008-05-05T20:14:05Z

...in the people-born-with-vaginas-only spaces debate

There is a post on another journal I read that links to a post made on another person's journal (sorry if that was confusing) about their argument for why transwomen should not be allow in 'women-born-women' spaces (a term that really chaffs my hide).

summary of the argument
To summarize with the original poster said is they feel that transwomen should not be allowed in because:
They display male privilege by their assumption they should be allowed in those spaces, going so far to write in another community journal that "it's privilege to assume that you should be allowed places where you're not wanted" in a different community (we'll do our best to ignore the entire civil right movement here)

The assumption that transwomen have never looked at their privileged experiences.

And, the one that really takes the cake, that all people born with penises have the same sort of experiences and encouragement growing up. That there are essentially only two types of childhood experiences – girls experiences and boys experiences.

I am not linking to either the original journal nor the journal that I found the link to the original post. I apologize if that makes understanding this a little more challenging. I apologize to the friend that I found the discussion on for not linking back to your journal. I just didn't want to encourage any sort of invading of journals or anything like that. It's not really necessary to convey my feeling about the topic here.

My shorter, more blunt response
Oh, my experiences growing up were essentially the same as cisgender males growing up? Wow, I'm glad you told me that, because I would have never gotten that impression from my end of things.

I really appreciate how you have just minimized and discounted my experiences of being trans in a transphoic world. Those were really not that important or shaping to me anyway. Who am I to ever think they were?

Thank you nice white lady.

A slightly longer, more sophisticated, but no less snarky response
Oh yes, I was totally encouraged to be loud, self confident, domineering, to ask questions, to be assertive. I was never harassed and ridiculed by peers and family members when I tried to be these things.

Thank you for making assumptions about *my* childhood and what I was taught and encouraged to believe about myself. If I had not heard about what my childhood was like and what I learned from some one never lived it, nor even knows the first thing about it, I would have never have known.

The lessons of a boy may or may not disappear over time. But the biggest flaw in your argument is seeing transgender people as having grown up in the same way and with the same lessons as cisgender people. We don't. We are not comfortable in our assigned gender roles and gender identity and it permeates virtually every aspect of our lives. To say that trans people receive the same lessons growing up is to minimize and discount our very real experiences in a transphobic society.

I did not grow up as a boy. I grew up as a person born with a penis who was out of place and very uncomfortable with the assigned gender role and expectations placed on me. That because of that, because I could not those expectations – nor did I want to – I experienced harassment, ridicule, threats and physical violence. I grew up as a person who didn't dare express my inner most wants and desires out of fear of receiving harassment, ridicule, threats and physical violence.

Now you tell me again how the life I have lead is the same as a cisgender male.

I am not using this as reasoning why I or other transwomen should be allowed in people-born-with-vaginas-only space – IMO, is a far more accurate description. I am asking that you stop using the fallacious logic that transgender peoples' experiences growing up in a in a transphobic society are the same as those growing up cisgender as the basis for that argument for the exclusion of transwomen in certain women's only spaces.

And I request that you respect my individual experiences and do not make assumptions about what you think my life was like and what privileges and lessons I may or may not have learned until I actually display them, just as I aim not to make those assumptions about other people.

on the phase 'women-born-women'
And dang it, I am so sick of the women-born-women phasing from people who are claiming to be supportive of transpeople. Do they not know how inherently offensive that is? If they can't handle saying cisgender-women only spaces, can they at least maybe use something a little more neutral and accurate, like say people-born-with-vaginas-only?

edit: minor things. one of these days i'm going to learn to proof-read *before* i post.

12,000 year old temples? heh

2008-04-19T06:24:13Z

In Turkey apparently
found by edwarddain
Turkey: Discovery of 12,000-year-old temple complex could alter the theory of human development

Nicholas Birch: 4/17/08

As a child, Klaus Schmidt used to grub around in caves in his native Germany in the hope of finding prehistoric paintings. Thirty years later, representing the German Archaeological Institute, he found something infinitely more important -- a temple complex almost twice as old as anything comparable on the planet.

"This place is a supernova", says Schmidt, standing under a lone tree on a windswept hilltop 35 miles north of Turkey's border with Syria. "Within a minute of first seeing it I knew I had two choices: go away and tell nobody, or spend the rest of my life working here."

Behind him are the first folds of the Anatolian plateau. Ahead, the Mesopotamian plain, like a dust-colored sea, stretches south hundreds of miles to Baghdad and beyond. The stone circles of Gobekli Tepe are just in front, hidden under the brow of the hill.

Compared to Stonehenge, Britain’s most famous prehistoric site, they are humble affairs. None of the circles excavated (four out of an estimated 20) are more than 30 meters across. What makes the discovery remarkable are the carvings of boars, foxes, lions, birds, snakes and scorpions, and their age. Dated at around 9,500 BC, these stones are 5,500 years older than the first cities of Mesopotamia, and 7,000 years older than Stonehenge.

Never mind circular patterns or the stone-etchings, the people who erected this site did not even have pottery or cultivate wheat. They lived in villages. But they were hunters, not farmers.

"Everybody used to think only complex, hierarchical civilizations could build such monumental sites, and that they only came about with the invention of agriculture", says Ian Hodder, a Stanford University Professor of Anthropology, who, since 1993, has directed digs at Catalhoyuk, Turkey's most famous Neolithic site. "Gobekli changes everything. It's elaborate, it's complex and it is pre-agricultural. That fact alone makes the site one of the most important archaeological finds in a very long time."

With only a fraction of the site opened up after a decade of excavations, Gobekli Tepe's significance to the people who built it remains unclear. Some think the site was the center of a fertility rite, with the two tall stones at the center of each circle representing a man and woman.

It's a theory the tourist board in the nearby city of Urfa has taken up with alacrity. Visit the Garden of Eden, its brochures trumpet, see Adam and Eve.

Schmidt is skeptical about the fertility theory. He agrees Gobekli Tepe may well be "the last flowering of a semi-nomadic world that farming was just about to destroy," and points out that if it is in near perfect condition today, it is because those who built it buried it soon after under tons of soil, as though its wild animal-rich world had lost all meaning.

But the site is devoid of the fertility symbols that have been found at other Neolithic sites, and the T-shaped columns, while clearly semi-human, are sexless. "I think here we are face to face with the earliest representation of gods", says Schmidt, patting one of the biggest stones. "They have no eyes, no mouths, no faces. But they have arms and they have hands. They are makers."

"In my opinion, the people who carved them were asking themselves the biggest questions of all,” Schmidt continued. “What is this universe? Why are we here?"

With no evidence of houses or graves near the stones, Schmidt believes the hill top was a site of pilgrimage for communities within a radius of roughly a hundred miles. He notes how the tallest stones all face southeast, as if scanning plains that are scattered with archeological sites in many ways no less remarkable than Gobekli Tepe.

Last year, for instance, French archaeologists working at Djade al-Mughara in northern Syria uncovered the oldest mural ever found. "Two square meters of geometric shapes, in red, black and white - a bit like a Paul Klee painting," explains Eric Coqueugniot, the University of Lyon archaeologist who is leading the excavation.

Coqueugniot describes Schmidt's hypothesis that Gobekli Tepe was meeting point for feasts, rituals and sharing ideas as "tempting," given the site's spectacular position. But he emphasizes that surveys of the region are still in their infancy. "Tomorrow, somebody might find somewhere even more dramatic."

Director of a dig at Korpiktepe, on the Tigris River about 120 miles east of Urfa, Vecihi Ozkaya doubts the thousands of stone pots he has found since 2001 in hundreds of 11,500 year-old graves quite qualify as that. But his excitement fills his austere office at Dicle University in Diyarbakir. "Look at this", he says, pointing at a photo of an exquisitely carved sculpture showing an animal, half-human, half-lion. "It's a sphinx, thousands of years before Egypt. Southeastern Turkey, northern Syria - this region saw the wedding night of our civilization."

Editor’s Note: Nicolas Birch specializes in Turkey, Iran and the Middle East.

sigh

2008-04-14T19:10:31Z

to top off my general feelings of depression and anxiousness today, i just found out i need two years of a foreign language for my public relations degree, not just two semesters.
i can't survive two more semesters of Spanish. the last one just about killed me as it was.

why the hell was i doing this school thing again anyway?

Update on the MSNBC piece

2008-04-07T22:28:30Z

Since LJ seems to be wonky with me editing my entries.

suicideluvkitty found a copy of the video on Joe Scarborough's page. Scroll down to the bottom to "The News You Can't Use" section.

Offensive "news" report from MSNBC

2008-04-07T21:44:31Z

from suicideluvkitty

It is about the transman who recently appeared on Oprah. Can anyone confirm this actually aired before I go on a tirade about it?

edit: got the embedding fixed. i feel i should write a letter, but i'm not even sure how to begin or what to say. it's just totally intolerant, and it's not just the three anchors. The directors and producers have just as much responsibility. did they really think it's okay to mock and snigger about this?

update 2: suicideluvkitty found it on Joe Scarborough's page. Scroll down to the bottom to "The News You Can't Use" section.

mopey and down

2008-04-07T19:45:20Z

i'm just really tired and meh. i can't seem to motivate myself to do anything right now, and my mood is just really bleak. and i need to get some work done.

i think the only think that's picked me up at all today is listening to the "The Dark Side of Phobos" (mmmm, "The Glass Moon") and the Portal end credits song "Still Alive"

blah

on the up side it seems that my dreams were a little precognitive this morning. i dreamed that it was snowing and i had slipped because I wore my Doc (the soles are all worn and slick) and so I was taking it to wear better shoes today. and when i looked outside today after i got up it had snowed, and snowed more after i got on campus. not as bad as in my dream, but the dream prompted me to check outside this morning.

*shrug*

Food Fight

2008-03-11T06:22:31Z

found by love_is_syn

Gods I hate zombies

2008-03-07T18:25:07Z

The past couple night I've been having unpleasant dreams. I would not call them bad dreams, since their quality was very good. A lot of imagery and color and even some sound a sort of a plot. Nor would I consider them nightmares, since a nightmare to me is a dream where I feel totally powerless and out of controls.

These were just... not pleasant.

And I only have myself to blame. Not because I've been watching scary movies or reading scary books or anything like that. No, I sort of challenged my unconscious/higher self to dreg up something that actually scared me, or at least made me uncomfortable. Just one of those questions of what do I have down in there. And I seem to have stepped up.

Thursday night I initially got something about having to save some one in a building filling up with toxic gas. When I didn't seem to balk at that, and even wanted to go back in to find more people, I got one of those searching for important homework dreams. In this case it was in my backpack, which I had left in a computer lab on campus, but I could not find an elevator to take me to the floor the lab was on. The dream was more frustrating than anything else.

Last night the dark recesses of my mind threw zombies at me. I really hate zombies. Zombie movies are really the only sort of horror movies that unnerve me anymore, and yet I still love them. There is just something about a disease a really high transmitability and 100% virulence, that can be transmitted through something as simple as a scratch or bite, and that leaves its victims on this state of perpetual, semi-mindless undead in which leaves the soul eternally trapped, unable to move on that really chills me.

I do think it is interesting how zombies freak me out and vampires don't. I think it has to do with control and mental capacity. A vampire is self aware and has self control. They have choice and can shape there own destinies; zombies, not so much. Also vampires stand apart from the herd. When one becomes a zombie, self identity and uniqueness fade, you become just another mindless drone and the primary goal now is to make everyone the same.

I didn't have just one type of zombie I had to deal with. I wound up pulling elements from a number of different sources – Resident Evil, 28 Days Later, Dead Rising, the Romero flicks, even a little from I am Legend.

I think was most interesting about my dream was that I was not powerless in the dream. I struggled, yes, and there was a lot of reaction to circumstances, but I was actively working on gathering the recourses I needed to survive and making plans on how to use the resources I had. When I could, I fought back, and when I could not fight back directly, I used cunning and wits to survive. Really, it all played out like some sort of movie. I would not say the best of movies, but still very movie like.

There was some part of me definitely watching from the sidelines and fixing elements or occurrences I didn't like while still allowing the over all dream to continue. Twice in my dream I was bit on my left shin. And both times that watching self stepped in for a moment and rewrote the injuries to be little more than surface scrapes that didn’t break skin.

So really not nightmares, but just challenging dreams that get my mind to working about what is really going on in there. I wonder if I have much more to look forward to and if my mind is going to push things even further in my night escapades.

VNV Nation

2008-02-26T14:38:48Z

There is just something about VNV Nation that really touches the depths of my soul and stir things up in me – their lyrics, the complexity of the music, something else. Some days I get obsessed with a particular song or two and listen to it repeatedly.

Prologue

Darkangel

Savior

Standing

Solitary

Forsaken (vocal version)

Further

Darkangel
In your dream you see me clear
I have no restraint, no fear
Powerless I watched from faces I'd assumed.
My purpose set. My will defined.
Caress the air.
Embrace the skies.
Escape the sorrow and restraint of mortal cities.

Give me time I will be clear.
Given time you'll understand
What possesses me to right what you have suffered.
I'm in this mood because of scorn.
I'm in a mood for total war.
To the darkened skies once more and ever onward.

So many years I stood among the thoughts
and tears of those I served.
Among my own I was alone through my own doing.
All the years I walked unknown
behind the faces I assumed.
Powerless to clear your mind of what you'd suffered.

They fall again.
They fall again.

Give me time I will be clear.
Given time you'll understand
What possesses me to right what you have suffered.
I'm in this mood because of scorn.
I'm in a mood for total war.
To the darkened skies once more and ever onward.
There is no faith in which to hide.
Even truth is filled with lies.
Doubting angels fall to walk among the living.
I'm in this mood because of scorn.
I'm in a mood for total war.
To the darkened skies once more and ever onward.

I'd only come here seeking peace.
I'd only come here seeking me.

It seems I came to leave.

StandingSolitary</b>
Set me aflame and cast me free
Away you wretched world of tethers
Through the endless night and day
I have never wanted more.
Always thought that I would stand
Before the faceless name of Justice
Like some law unto myself
Like a child of God again.

And if rain brings winds of change
Let it rain on us forever
I have no doubts from what I've seen
I have never wanted more.
With this line I'll mark the past
As a symbol of beginning
I have no doubt from what I've seen
I have never wanted more.

In this picture stands a man
Far away, alone and distant
Like a solitary field
In some nameless foreign land.
All around him points of light
Start to dim and cease transmitting
Shadows fell on futile games
And then there was nothing more.
Through the screams of falling steel
By the light of flares and wisdom
All the doubts I could not face
All this time I wanted more.
With a line I mark the past
As a symbol of beginning
To the gods whose names we've lost
And the names who gave in vain.

And if rain brings winds of change
Let it rain on us forever
I have no doubts from what I've seen
I have never wanted more.
With this line I'll mark the past
As a symbol of beginning
I have no doubt from what I've seen
I have never wanted more.

Set me aflame and cast me free
Away you wretched world of tethers
Through the endless night and day
I have never wanted more.
Always thought that I would stand
Before the faceless name of Justice
Like some law unto myself
Like a child of God again.

And if rain brings winds of change
Let it rain on us forever
I have no doubts from what I've seen
I have never wanted more.
With this line I'll mark the past
As a symbol of beginning
I have no doubt from what I've seen
I have never wanted more.

Sever the line to the guilty past
To the ones who brought us nothing
Spoke of futures brave and proud
And brought only hate and war.
Lined the roads with hollow praise
Marked the land with paper statues
Shadows fell on their futile ways
And then there was nothing more

Forsaken
When I have nothing left to feel
When I have nothing left to say
I'll just let this slip away

I feel these engines power down
I feel this heart begin to bleed
as I turn this burning page

Please forgive me if I bleed
Please forgive me if I breathe
I have words I need to say
Oh so very much to say

And whose life do I lead?
And whose blood do I bleed?
Whose air do I breathe?
With whose skin now do I feel?

I'm supposed to walk away from here
I'm supposed to walk away from here

And whose life do I lead?
Whose blood do I bleed?
Whose air do I now breathe?
I'm convinced there's nothing more.

The day you died I lost my way
The day you died I lost my mind

What am I supposed to do?
Is there something more?

The engines power down
Like a soldier to his end I go
Because I'm convinced
That there is nothing more

And whose life do I lead?
And whose air do I breathe?
With whose skin and whose blood do I feel?

What happens now?
Have I done something wrong?
Forgive my need to bleed right now
Please forgive my need to breathe
But I've so much to say
And it wouldn't matter anyway.
You're not here to hear these words that I must say
And I'm convinced inside
That there is nothing more

Whose life do I lead?
Whose air do I breathe?
Whose blood do I now bleed?
With whose skin now do I feel?

I have nothing left to say
I have nothing left to feel
Am I supposed to let this go now?
Let darkness come take you away?

Further
At the end of days, at the end of time
When the Sun burns out will any of this matter?
Who will be there to remember who we were?
Who will be there to know that any of this had meaning for us?

And in retrospect I'll say we've done no wrong
Who are we to judge what's right and what has purpose for us?
With designs upon ourselves to do no wrong
Running wild unaware of what might come of us

The Sun was born, so it shall die
So only shadows comfort me
I know in darkness I will find you giving up inside like me
Each day shall end as it begins
And though you're far away from me
I know in darkness I will find you giving up inside like me

Without a thought I will see everything eternal
Forget that once we were just dust from heavens far
As we were forged we shall return, perhaps some day
I will remember you and wonder who we were

The Sun was born, so it shall die
So only shadows comfort me
I know in darkness I will find you giving up inside like me
Each day shall end as it begins
And though you're far away from me
I know in darkness I will find you giving up inside like me

Fractal Wrongness

2008-02-26T00:10:32Z

from suicideluvkitty
Fractal Wrongness
The state of being wrong at every conceivable scale of resolution. That is, from a distance, a fractally wrong person's worldview is incorrect; and furthermore, if you zoom in on any small part of that person's worldview, that part is just as wrong as the whole worldview.

Debating with a person who is fractally wrong leads to infinite regress, as every refutation you make of that person's opinions will lead to a rejoinder, full of half-truths, leaps of logic, and outright lies, that requires just as much refutation to debunk as the first one. It is as impossible to convince a fractally wrong person of anything as it is to walk around the edge of the Mandelbrot set in finite time.

If you ever get embroiled in a discussion with a fractally wrong person on the Internet--in mailing lists, newsgroups, or website forums--your best bet is to say your piece once and ignore any replies, thus saving yourself time.

In the paper

2008-02-20T16:52:58Z

Last Thursday I was featured in the school paper, The Metropolitan. I feel pretty okay with the article, and now Nic want's to do piece on our polyfam
Transgender woman pushes definition of love
by Nic Garcia
ngarci20@mscd.edu
As far as I was concerned, the story was already written. By the time I had called Sable, I knew her story. A tragic male-to-female transgender. Lovesick. No one understands her, I would write. She is alone. All she wants is to find that one perfect man to make her feel like a woman. I was sure of it. The perfect Valentine’s Day story.

God, was I wrong.

You see, Sable Schultz, 36, is a program assistant for Metro’s Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender Student Services office. She is happily married, queer and non-monogamous. She lives with two girlfriends, neither of them her wife, and is actively dating two other Denverites, neither her wife. She is also involved in two long-distance relationships, you guessed it, neither her wife.

Today, Sable suggests there is a movement toward a fluid sexuality and lifestyle. It’s a small movement, she acknowledges, but a movement nonetheless.

For Sable personally, her nonmonogamistic lifestyle began even before her journey into womanhood.

“Why should I have to be committed to one person?” she asked rhetorically. “To make one person my everything is so oppressive.”

Growing up, Sable dated girls. But she — then a he — always had a different type of bond with them, she said. Although she feared he wasn’t man enough, her girlfriends always said she related well to them.

But while Sable’s girlfriends could open up to him, she was very lonely and felt isolated through her teen years and into her 20s, even after he married.

“There was a period when I just couldn’t talk about it,” she said.

Neither could anyone else. The only time you heard about a transgender person at all, for that matter, was when they were on the Sally Jesse Raphael or Donahue show, Sable said. The women on those shows were always lovesick and interested in men. A male-to-female lesbian — basically what Sable wanted to become — seemed never to have existed before.

But Sable had an active love life with women and wanted to maintain it, just not as a male.

Sable’s desire to be a woman dates back to her elementary school days. While she couldn’t say exactly when she knew she wanted to be a woman, she always knew something wasn’t right.

“I didn’t feel connected to other boys.” There was no brotherhood, she explained. “I was more sissy, I got harassed a lot by my grandfather and peers.”

Sable’s mom was divorced and her grandfather acted as a surrogate father.

“Growing up I was always envious of the way girls got to dress. If I had a choice, I know I would have wanted to be born a girl.”

Then when Sable was 18, in 1990, he met Silk. And they were married.

Still, Sable’s life was essentially wrong.

“I thought there was no way I could be a woman and be in love with another woman,” she said.

But in 1994 Sable met April, another male to female who was going through the transformation. April was also interested in continuing a relationship with women. Meeting April helped, as did the Internet. Like many people, Sable was able to learn about the transgender culture and meet other people who had similar stories.

Meanwhile, Silk was primarily heterosexual. Although Sable said her wife always had a bi-curious element to her. But Sable had no idea how Silk would react when she learned her husband wanted to become her wife.

“I was so scared of losing her,” she said.

In 1999, after five years of research and soul-searching Sable, took his wife to a park.

“We wandered all day, she was afraid I wanted to leave her, and I was afraid she was going to leave me when I told her,” she said.

But Silk told Sable she was in love with the person, not the gender. It was the most romantic day of her life, she said.

“When Silk told me she fell in love with the person and not the gender, I knew that was real love. It was a level of unconditional love that I hope a lot of people would strive for,”

Sable pointed out. While her identity transitioned, so did Silk’s. She was no longer heterosexual with a transgender wife.

“Not a lot of people report that side of the story,” she said. Silk was unavailable for comment. Sable has been involved in hormone treatment since 2005 and, citing the financial commitment, said it’s unlikely she’ll undergo any surgery to change her anatomy. And she’s OK with that.

“My gender is not validated by my genitals, however, I’d like a vagina,” she joked.

She said over time her idea of sex has changed. While she does indulge in kissing, petting and occasionally oral sex, Sable says she prefers to practice energy exchanges with her partners, male or female. “There is a lot of imagination involved,” she said.

Her two live-in girlfriends are Sophi and Cara. Silk currently lives in Colorado Springs with another girlfriend.

Sophi told me Sable picked her out of a crowd at a goth party years ago.

“I’ve belonged to her ever since,” Sophi said. “It’s wonderful. Sable knows what I feel even when I can’t communicate it.”

And while little has changed between Sable and Sophi, Sable said her relationship with Silk has grown and transformed just as she has.

“I love Silk differently now,” Sable said. “It’s not the same kind of new romantic energy, there is more of a comfort.”

Sable said she believes the more you love yourself, the more love will come to you.

“I love a lot, that’s why I’m not monogamous,” she said, adding, “By coming out and being more true to myself, I found more love. As I’ve come out more and the more I’ve found myself, the more connected I feel with other people. I’m able to share myself more truly.”

And while there is plenty of love to go around, Sable is no stranger to a lovers’ quarrel.

There are some problems like jealously, she said. “Jealously is usually when you see someone getting a need met that you aren’t getting met,” she said. So they dialogue and come to a conclusion that makes everyone happy.

“We had our spats,” she said of her multiple partners. “But the most difficult challenge is balancing time between them and keeping time for myself.”

“No matter how much I love a person, I have to be true to myself first,” she said.

Spiderwick

2008-02-18T23:55:44Z

So I saw The Spriderwick Chronicles this weekend. It was a very cute movie, and reminded me a lot of the work of Brian Froud.

Though to say the movie was Freudian is an understatement. Even other reviewers have noticed the blatant Oedipus complex inherent in the movie.

In typical fashion though, the reviewers either totally ignored or simply failed to recognize the "unresolved" Electra complex running as a parallel plot – which was the whole Author Spiderwick disappearing, his daughter, Lucinda, pining away for him, and then the her decision to leave in life with her father forever in the land of the of the faeries (which then reverts her to her 8 year old self). There were even symbolic representations of penis envy – from Lucinda's ignorance or lack of education about fey (her father's "phallus" as it were) to Mallory Grace running around with sword in hand almost constantly.

I really didn't spot all the Freudian stuff until Mulgarath came into the house posing as the children's father (Richard?), and then it just hit me like a ton of bricks. Even Jared's climb up the house fits nicely with classic Freudian dream interpretation. Climb up the house = wanting to have sex with his mother, check. Pursuit by Ogre/Father figure, check = guilt over wanting to possess his mother, check. Stabbing Ogre/Father figure with lightning rod/phallic symbol = wanting to kill father/show how much greater his phallus is, check. Slipping and falling down side of the house interrupted by Ogre/Father figure = disrupted masturbation attempts, check.

Ah Freud, how could we ever have had this much fun with a movie like this without you...

Again, not saying the movie was bad. It was very, very fun. But also oh so Freudian. It also almost makes me want to rewatch it and see what else I can pick out...

Mercury goes Direct today, Lunar Eclips Wednesday

2008-02-18T15:14:21Z

From astrology.com

When two important events occur close together in time, one thing is for sure: You won’t be bored! Mercury turns direct in inventive Aquarius on February 18, which means the plans and ideas you have been mulling over since January 28 -- when Mercury turned retrograde -- can now proceed. Usually you would be in full logic-mode with the Aquarian emphasis, but with a full Moon eclipse on February 20, you will feel anything but! As the emotionally intense lunar eclipse occurs in common-sense Virgo, you will be asked to maintain balance between your feelings and your analytical mind. Since Virgo is the sign of work, health and service, these themes will be especially important now. Develop and maintain a great self-care program to make the most of this period.

sable_twilight @ 2008-02-15T14:12:00

2008-02-15T21:12:58Z

Drag Show Tonight

2008-02-15T20:03:32Z

I have totally spaced trolling this up everywhere, but our office on campus is putting on a FREE drag show tonight in the Tivoli Turnhall on the Auraria campus. Doors open at 7PM, the show starts at 7:30PM. Sorry this is such a late announcement. Hope some of you can make it.

okay, the office needs a new printer already...

2008-01-25T20:30:59Z

when sable has to stand there and continuously probe, push and pull energetically to make it work...
grrrrr....